My Last Love

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A dozen.

12 guys  been in my life. Even me is still wondering why I had so many guys in my life and I let it happen.

Wrong decisions?

Been in the wrong path?

Done bad things.

Honestly, I’m tired. Tired of break-ups. Tired of heartaches. Tired of loving again back to zero. Tired of another lips to kiss, hand to hold, arms to go to, cheeks to pinch, number to memorize and voice to be addicted to.

It’s easy for you to judge a girl with a lot of history but you will never understand why. Even my self cannot understand why in the world I let all those relationships failed. But there’s one thing for sure, it led me to what I have now.

Before I tell you how thankful I am for what I have now, let me describe you all the love I had.

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First

First year high school.

You can call it a puppy love but I know it’s not love at all. The feeling of new environment and excitement through your system. I thought in that young age of mine, I already learned to love for the first time. But no. It’s just a pure infatuation that lasted just a month.

Second

“Stun mo tanga”

Been addicted playing Dota when I was in second year high school and hanging out with guys caused you to enter their world of pure fun and games. Who would have thought that being in a relationship would be a game between the two of us. A game. Just a game that lasted a month.

Third

Wala lang. Trip trip lang.

Too young to be serious about relationships. Hanging out in internet cafe while eating doughnuts and laughing about nonsense stuffs. Being in a relationship? It’s no big deal for me way back when I was still a sophomore. Nothing serious, seriously. Two weeks, it lasted for just two weeks.

Fourth

First kiss.

I will consider this as puppy love. We’re happy and contented, yamyam. Endearment is out of this world but that’s just how the way it is when I’m still trying to figure how being in a real relationship would be.

You opened the door and then you kissed me and that’s when the butterflies in my stomach scrambled. I thought by that time it’s real and true but still, it’s not. We didn’t managed to stay. We’re still young and five months would be enough for the both of us.

Fifth

Jump In.

We both dance. We both sing. We are happy. You love music so much as much as I love it that’s why in everything we do, we are compatible. In our two months together, I learned that being in a relationship also means to love the people around that person. Your friends became my friends and I’m grateful that they are still my friends up until now and you’re one of them. We ended up being just friends and I’m thankful for that. It’s better that way.

Sixth

Kambal

I never imagined that on my junior year, I would be in a relationship with a freshman but things happen and you can’t do anything about it because it already happened. My friend before and I been in a relationship with this twin brothers and it was hell a fun. What we have is special I will honestly say that but things got complicated and I am too young to handle such things that’s why I broke up with you after two months.

Seven and Eight

Two

We had a relationship between the three of us. No matter how hard I think, it is so wrong in many levels. One month is enough.

Ninth

It was nothing. We knew it. It started from texting and also ended there. We never had seen each other when we are still in this so-called-relationship of ours. Just a month of pure games and nothing.

Tenth

17 months

I’m not sure if after those years, those relationships I’ve been to, I will consider you as my first love. We both know what we had has so many flaws. Both of us being known and being their idols made things worse. We’re still young and immature, still figuring out how to love unconditionally. If it’s worth it or not, worth holding on or not. But I ended up letting you go because I have no future with you and I learned that I should always put my self first. I should always think of my future and if someone’s really going to be worth having until I got those dreams. Let go of the people who will cause hindrances in meeting your goals. Kilig is not enough. Get a man with dreams.

Eleventh

Biggest regret

You’ve been my best friend, living joke book and walking beatbox. Being a freshman in a big university, new surrounding and nature, it is indeed overwhelming. Big circle of friends consisting of famous people in different fields put me in so much pressure. I’m too young to enter your world. Too immature to sort out things that are must and must not. Way back then I just thought that being happy is enough. I thought that relationships is just about being happy but no, I’m wrong. It’s so much more than that. You got dreams. You can achieve those goals of yours because you can do anything you put your mind into. But three months of ups and downs are depressing and it’s enough. If only I could turn back time, It’s better if I chose to be your younger sister than to be in a relationship with you. It’s better that way. Maybe if we didn’t made our world, things have been better for me.

Twelfth

Almost

You’re my almost. We built dreams together, we have memories. Memorable ones as well. I’ve been happy knowing you and loving you. What we had is special and I know in my heart that this time, I fell in love. I gave you my all and you also did the same. We are each other’s first. And finally this time, I learned the true meaning of love but still, you’re not the one for me. We have hurt each other in so many ways and we had to let go simply because it’s not worth it anymore. What we had may be special, but it must be let go of. A month before two years with you is enough. Within that twenty-three months, you’ve proven everything and I’m grateful knowing you and being loved by you. But we’re not meant for each other. God let me have you and let you have me because it made us to become stronger as an individual. It made us ready for our soul mate, our meant to be’s. I hope you finally found your other half just like me.

Because what I have now, he’s my last.

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I finally understand why I have to let go of so many hands.
Let go of too many dreams.
Let go of those memories.
Because I’m made for you.
Your hands fit mine.
Your dreams are also my dreams.
You’ll build memories of me.
Now I understand what’s the true meaning of love is, for me, it is being selfless. And I learned it while loving Alexander. It is when you’re willing to sacrifice everything for his own happiness. It is when you’re obsessed of his presence. It is when being with him is enough. Not asking for anything, being happy together is all that matters. Still holding on no matter how hard things may be. Still keeping those promises no matter how impossible it may seem. Understanding differences, embracing flaws. Forgiving and forgetting. It is being faithful no matter how many temptations there would be. It is being honest even about those little simple things. It is being contented with what the both of you have. It is about everything about him. Everything about him matters. Because he, is your everything.
And one day, you’ll wake up saying
“Tangina, hindi ko na to papakawalan. Huli ka na. Sayo ko mag a-I do”
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